On Broken Hearts: Two Odes
Posted: January 23, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Well, I figure it is high time I bring this up…
I have talked before about letting go and the difficulty of deciding whether or not to but I haven’t truly, to my recollection, addressed my thoughts on breaking hearts. Sure, I’ve talked about the damage all people have felt but never really talked about broken hearts.
It is easy to point fingers and blame or hate people because they don’t feel the same way you do about them. It is easy to hate the person who “stole” them from you. Believe it or not, it is also pretty easy to blame yourself and fall into a trap of self doubt and low self esteem. I’ve been there and, perhaps, I am still only just now getting out of that. I’ve been called a “nice guy” and I find that to be an insult to not only my intelligence but also to my character. Playing the blame game was the way I went through life for a while but eventually it just got dumb, at least to blame “them” for my pain. I’ve watched as women I cared deeply about were hurt by some guy who wasn’t even worth their time. But I have also seen women find true love and live quite happily. It isn’t my place to decide who is “right” for the women in my life I can’t even ask out nonetheless actually go out with. I can’t hate another man for being what I couldn’t.
I ended up blaming myself for failing but I also found myself hating God for letting this sort of thing happen to me. I have yelled at God, saying all sorts of things about justice and love-two things I can’t even begin to truly understand. I lost the ability to have confidence in myself and I have spent a lot of time trying to reform my self-image. I have prayed and I have listened; I have read some great books and I have had some amazing conversations. Through all this, I am where I am now…single but OK with that.
That last part is important. At the beginning of the school year I was OK with being single and then some stuff happened that I couldn’t help but notice how attractive and amazing someone was. At the beginning of this semester I realized it wasn’t going where I thought it was so I have decided to move on because I don’t want to get in the way. As part of this process, I have realized that I have been a pretty bad friend to the women in my life. In fact, I’m not sure I can say I have been a friend with a woman in a long time. I have been just another guy or someone wanting something more. I’ve kept that safe distance because I didn’t want to get close only to be pushed away. It is easier for me to push them away that be hurt by them. The difference between men and women aside, I screwed up more of my friendships with women than I should have been allowed to. I used to be a hugger, now people stay that safe distance from me and I really miss the hugs; the sense of community and acceptance. Who I am, who I really am, kind of hates who I have been and who I have become…but that is another blog.
These two poems are my thoughts on being hurt and how I feel about those who have hurt me. We really can be “just friends” if I can only learn how to be a friend. Pray for me as I pray for you…
To you who gave and received nothing,
To you who sought and never found,
To you who loved and were rejected:
Raise your eyes above the filth
for now you weep and hate
but one day it’ll be fate
that joins you to a perfect fit.
I know it hurts so much right now
but I promise something better
than an unanswered letter
and a sight that leaves you saying “ow!”
You’ve survived such pain before
it isn’t like this is the first
and now you only find a hearse
but one day it’ll be an open door.
Love is a battlefield, they say,
there is someone for you,
so they promise, but who?
If love is war, who do I slay?
Who is the great enemy of love?
Who is to blame for my pain?
Who should I rage at to maim?
Is there even such a thing as love?
This song is for you, the loveless
the lonely, the abandoned and scorned.
I toast to you, you who have mourned.
May you not hate or fear, but bless.
To you who knew more love than you could bear,
To you who had to break a heart and shed a tear,
To you who watched us die and wondered why:
Avert your eyes from our sorrows.
Some will curse you in tears
only because of their fears.
But we will have our tomorrows.
From every nice guy you turned bad
From every beautiful lady
who only sees malady,
You are the best we never had.
You cry too, this I know.
Your tears are not in vain
and there is no gain
in softening the blow.
I hear love is a battlefield
and we are the maimed
and you are the blamed
but the enemy won’t yield.
Are you the great enemy of love?
You aren’t to blame for my pain.
You didn’t intend to maim.
You wanted to be soft like a dove.
This is an ode to you, friend,
I wasn’t what you wanted
and now I am haunted.
I pray for peace in the end.