Thoughts from the Thinking

One of the biggest problems with most things such as blogs, television, school, church, youth ministry…well, pretty much everything, is that often before content can be made people want numbers but those numbers don’t come without there first being content. Think about it: It is really hard to write up something unless you know people will read it but people won’t read it unless you actually write up something. No one wants to watch a television show that isn’t well written but how do you know anyone will watch it even if it is well written (eg Arrested Development)? You want numbers before you start but you can’t get numbers until after you start.

This is a huge problem in things like youth ministry and school. There are times when schools don’t want to start a program, say a major or minor in something, before they know people will be interested in it. However, people who would be interested in such a major or minor may not go to the school unless that program is available. The same can be said of youth ministry. Youth ministers and coordinators don’t always want to put the time into planning events and such until there are teenagers involved. This is a problem since teenagers are actually smarter than we often give them credit: they know when you are half-assing it. You won’t get numbers until there is content, but people don’t want to risk (waste) making content until there are numbers. We don’t want to make content without people but you can’t get people without content…

*OK, seriously, if you haven’t read Joseph Heller’s Catch-22, you should go and read it right now.

…is not that the world is getting hotter but that people are idiots.

Today while walking to campus after the city of Cincinnati had been battered by nearly 2 feet of snow in the past week a man driving a nice probably hybrid car with good fuel efficiency was shouting out like an idiot, and I quote: “Bunch of retards! Global warming my ass!”

Part of me wanted to shout back about how the term “global warming” isn’t so much about air temperature or how we would experience climate but the overall temperature of the planet and global climate shifts…then I wondered why he was shouting at me. I wanted to challenge him by calling him a hypocrite for driving his nice fuel efficient car (ie environmentally friendly vehicle) and shouting at random strangers who may or may not think that the term “global warming” is an accurate description of how the climate is shifting. It didn’t take more than a minute before I wanted to beat the crap out of this man simply for yelling at me. But, I’m past all that now, I just feel sorry for the spawns that will come from him…they will be so stupid…just like him.

See, people are idiots. That is the real inconvenient truth that Al Gore should have been pushing. Human beings have actually managed to break the prime directive of all life on this planet: to survive at all cost and reproduce. We actually go out of our ways to inject toxins into our system (cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, trans-fats, etc). Sure, we have made huge strides in health and soon there will be a pill for just about everything (hell, there already is a pill for just about everything). Have a headache, there’s a pill for that; got pregnant, there’s a pill for that; have a stomach ache, there’s a pill for that. One day there may be a cure for death. The scary thing is that then the only form of death will be suicide. One of my friends commented that we as a species are suicidal and he is right. Human beings are idiots.

Where is this all going? I don’t know…but maybe I’m not actually past wanting to beat the crap out of that man for yelling at me.

Well, I figure it is high time I bring this up…

I have talked before about letting go and the difficulty of deciding whether or not to but I haven’t truly, to my recollection, addressed my thoughts on breaking hearts. Sure, I’ve talked about the damage all people have felt but never really talked about broken hearts.

It is easy to point fingers and blame or hate people because they don’t feel the same way you do about them. It is easy to hate the person who “stole” them from you. Believe it or not, it is also pretty easy to blame yourself and fall into a trap of self doubt and low self esteem. I’ve been there and, perhaps, I am still only just now getting out of that. I’ve been called a “nice guy” and I find that to be an insult to not only my intelligence but also to my character. Playing the blame game was the way I went through life for a while but eventually it just got dumb, at least to blame “them” for my pain. I’ve watched as women I cared deeply about were hurt by some guy who wasn’t even worth their time. But I have also seen women find true love and live quite happily. It isn’t my place to decide who is “right” for the women in my life I can’t even ask out nonetheless actually go out with. I can’t hate another man for being what I couldn’t.

I ended up blaming myself for failing but I also found myself hating God for letting this sort of thing happen to me. I have yelled at God, saying all sorts of things about justice and love-two things I can’t even begin to truly understand. I lost the ability to have confidence in myself and I have spent a lot of time trying to reform my self-image. I have prayed and I have listened; I have read some great books and I have had some amazing conversations. Through all this, I am where I am now…single but OK with that.

That last part is important. At the beginning of the school year I was OK with being single and then some stuff happened that I couldn’t help but notice how attractive and amazing someone was. At the beginning of this semester I realized it wasn’t going where I thought it was so I have decided to move on because I don’t want to get in the way. As part of this process, I have realized that I have been a pretty bad friend to the women in my life. In fact, I’m not sure I can say I have been a friend with a woman in a long time. I have been just another guy or someone wanting something more. I’ve kept that safe distance because I didn’t want to get close only to be pushed away. It is easier for me to push them away that be hurt by them. The difference between men and women aside, I screwed up more of my friendships with women than I should have been allowed to. I used to be a hugger, now people stay that safe distance from me and I really miss the hugs; the sense of community and acceptance. Who I am, who I really am, kind of hates who I have been and who I have become…but that is another blog.

These two poems are my thoughts on being hurt and how I feel about those who have hurt me. We really can be “just friends” if I can only learn how to be a friend. Pray for me as I pray for you…